Crucial Conversation

A conversation is crucial if it has...

  • Opposing opinions
  • High stakes
  • Strong emotions

There is an inaccurate choice during crucial conversations, which is choosing between telling the truth and keeping a friend. There is a way to do both.

Once you recognize the need for conversation, get to it fast. Avoid Conflict Lag.

Topic of Conversation

  • Content: The immediate pain
  • Pattern: if the same issue has happened three or more times its a pattern
  • Relationship: If the problems continue, it can impact the relationship. This can affect trust, belief of competence or respect towards the other person.
  • Process: If all things are going well and you still have an issue, you might need to talk about the process of the conversation.

During the conversation

What is the bigger picture? What is the goal of this conversation? Keep that in mind when going into the conversation.

Ensure safety

Spot the turning point - when the conversation turns crucial. Watch for problem responses - Silence or Violence.

How are you reacting - control your emotions

Retracing your path to action(Think ABC of CBT)

  • Act: Examine your behavior
  • Feel: What are you feeling?
  • Story: What is my belief about my observations / what is the story I'm telling myself
  • See / hear: The observable facts

Share your story - encourage others to share theirs

Make content safe

  • Mention the common purpose
  • Keep mutual respect

Watch for topic changes

If the other party brings up a different topic(for eg. a past incident, another concern, etc.), acknowledge it. You can bookmark the topic for another conversation if need be - but stay on topic.

Move to result

  • Assign actionables: who does what
  • Follow through: When and who follows up
  • Document these things
Links to this note

Conflict Lag

People tend to avoid conflict - so they put off having a Crucial Conversation. This is not good - people tend to ruminate about a potential conflict. And by the time the conversation actually takes place, its much worse. Health of a r

Silence Or Violence

Crucial Conversation can go wrong if ether party goes into silence or violence. Silence They are not talking or sharing. They are trying to... Mask their emotion Avoid Withdraw Violence They are getting angry / de

Guessing Others State

This is a conversation technique where you guess another person's emotional state and story they are telling themselves. You communicate it to them - as a guess on our side. "It seems like you are upset about this. Would it be because yo

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Published on: Mar 17, 2025

Source: Book: Crucial Conversation

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